Stealing Stonehenge

(Editor’s note*  The following is satire (the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues).  

Stealing Stonehenge

By Rob Cain


To:  President of the Hellenic Republic (Πρόεδρος της Ελληνικής Δημοκρατίας)  Katerina Sakellaropoulou.

From:  Ulysses Dragos, Chief Operating Officer, Argos Tactical, Defending Greek Hegemony on land and the wine dark-sea 

Madame President,

It is with great honor that we undertake this contract.  We have so far labored 8000 hours to bring you a ‘draft’ plan to help in your proposed objective.  This email is your overview of the  operations order (OPORD) under development.  As per your instructions we have coordinated with the Ministry of National Defence [sic], the Prime Minister, and the sitting government. 

I have tried to make it as conversational as possible. This email will tell of unit objectives, and try to speak to PSYOP objectives. 

Four copies have been distributed to the required mailing list.  All were sent by encryption software to SECRET designated computers with the caption TOP SECRET.

We await your guidance.



Though our nation fell under Ottoman rule in the 15 century, the Modern Greek State emerged in 1830 as a strong and independent nation.  This is simply schoolboy history.  You know it.  I know it.  However, Greek thought, history and influence has reigned over history far longer in the development and psyche of Western Nations.  Plato and Pericles have held sway in the imagination in the community of nations far longer than any army or treaty that may have established us as a country.  We are proud of who we are.  This pride has been consistently challenged by a nation (United Kingdom) that has been, and should be still, our greatest admirer.   We after all have admired the gifts of the British people.  English blood was shed on Greek soil.  English pilots during WWII were protected by Greek patriots.  Churchill himself has bowed to the Greek efforts in defeating Rommel, and the words of Shakespeare were met with shouts of applause by the Greek people, moving well-known actor Ian Mckellen to tears of joy.  For generations, British students have been taught a classical curriculum, which has included learning ancient Greek, philosophies, and the works of the early Greek poets and playwrightsOur heritage has spread across the world and has survived the passage of time – even being translated into Arabic and being reintroduced into Medieval Europe.  Our uniqueness has survived wars, civil wars and the passage of time.  Yet, as a boy might take an apple when the shop owner is distracted, Lord Elgin, a Scottish nobleman, stripped the Parthenon marbles from the Acropolis in 1801, by getting permission from the Ottoman occupier. Somehow this was consider legal. 

So if the world asks, “Why do we care?”  It can be answered by a quote by the former Minister of Culture Melina Mecouri. 

“You must understand what the Parthenon Marble mean to us.  They are our sacrifices.  They are our noblest symbol of excellence.  They are a tribute to the democratic philosophy.  They are our aspiration and our name.  They are the essence of Greekness.”

Yet, to this day, our hope to return that essence to the pillars of which it was taken has been met with derision.  Directors of the British Museum do not look upon us as adult enough to take care of our own property.  However, surveys of the British public speak quite differently.    

Excerpt from Web (Source

The Parthenon Marbles belong to Greece and should be returned to their rightful owners, said 59 percent of UK residents in the latest poll on the thorny issue.

Asked “where do you believe the Parthenon Marbles belong,” more than half of those polled said “Greece” in a survey carried out this week on a sample of 7,717 UK residents by Britain’s YouGov.

 A total of 18 percent said the 2,500-year-old Greek art works belong to the UK, and 22 percent said they didn’t know.

 Nearly half (49 percent) of Conservative Party voters also said the ancient sculptures currently held by the British Museum belong to Greece.

End of excerpt

 Yet, the British Government stands firm.  It has the backing of its own people to conduct a return, but conservative forces seem to abhor the idea of returning the marbles.  If this is something they will not do with the support of their own people, maybe this goes deeper into the recent break with the European Union (EU).  Some people believe that BREXIT is an emotional kneejerk reaction to Britain’s loss of Empire.  Maybe the British people are on board returning the marbles, but darker British forces are translating the refusal to cooperate as, “They can’t make us!”

Let’s face it, when the people of Britain lived in caves and covered themselves in fur and blue paint, our forebears were studying the stars.  This recalcitrant attitude by British political forces may be more a matter of the British Class System rather than reality.  WE (the Greeks) are not the owners of the local GYROS in Paddington; we the Greeks hold the history of civilization and full membership within the European Union.   Greece is considered the cradle of Western civilization, being the birthplace of democracy, Western philosophy, Western literature, historiography, political science, major scientific and mathematical principles, theatre and the Olympic Games.  We are a member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) and located near the Middle East and Russia.  Our Geopolitical importance is pivotal to the world order.  As the Spartans held the ‘hot gates’ we are close to what the Americans might say: “Close to where the action is.”   What was true then, is true now in the present.  Yes, there are more powerful countries in the world, but our national character has held firm against the onslaught of the Persians, Ottomans, Fascists, and even our own internal Regime of the Colonels that ended in 1974.  Greece has and always will be important on the world stage.

As it stands now, the English will not budge.  They will not see reason.  So to quote ancient wisdom, “If the Mountain won’t go to Mohammed, then Mohammed must come to the Mountain”.

 Operation Cold Tea will make the British Conservatives see reason.


To make the British believe we have stolen Stonehenge.

Stonehenge is a prehistoric ritual monument.  Stonehenge was built in the Bronze Age. It is the most famous of the megalithic monuments in England, and the most important prehistoric monument in the whole of Europe.  Its precise purpose is still unknown, though postulations consider it a tribal gathering place or religious center that was connected with astronomical observations.  As the Parthenon Marbles are the link to our distant past and our identity, Stonehenge is the link to the British people’s historical sense of self.  Its existence goes back further than medieval castles, and the remains of Roman settlements.  It reminds the English people that look upon its stones of a long and glorious history.  Though it does not have the sophistication of the Pantheon, it has been identified as a religious and celestial tool.  Stonehenge is instantly recognizable.    That is why it is the target of this operation. 


To capture the attention of the world’s media outlets.


For the world to view us with a different perspective, and CHANGE AND ENHANCE the world’s perception of the national will of Greece.      


To make the British accept the inevitable return of the Parthenon Marbles to Greece.  


Target’s Grid Coordinate: 51°11′28″N 1°44′03″W

What we are proposing is a magic trick.  The secret of illusion is to make people look there, as opposed to looking over here.  It is a slight of hand.   Such a trick is easy with playing cards, but to do it with stones that measure in tons is nearly impossible. 

To move them to Greece would take a herculean effort, bypassing a myriad of British border security posts.  Even if one stone was able to move them down the road, the rate of speed would be under ten miles per hour, like moving a gigantic house, with all sorts of highway regulatory issues.  It is impossible.  It is more practical to make the British believe we conducted a heist rather than to actually do one. 

Stonehenge is located on Salisbury Plain, about 8 miles (13 km) north of Salisbury, Wiltshire, England.  It is next to the A303 Highway which is a major artery to England’s southwest.  The A303 carries heavy traffic and holiday travelers on their way to Cornwall and Devon.  Stonehenge can be seen from the highway

To make matters worse the site is located just 14 minutes from a major military post called Camp Bulford.  It has a garrison strength of 500 personnel, containing Headquarters, Signal, Intelligence, Logistics, Armor Infantry and Royal Military Police. 

This operation must be conducted quickly, and at a time of year when the highways and the military post is at its lowest ebb.    To make this operation succeed, we must pick a time when tourists, government police officials, and military personnel from a nearby garrison is at holiday staffing levels.  The operation is not without risk, but if we dare we can force upon the English maximum psychological damage. 


There will be no causalities or deaths of English military or civilians.  No Greek Military personnel taking part in the operation will be armed.  If captured, Greek military or intell personnel will NOT attempt escape.  Intentional or accidently injury to English military or citizenry is prohibited.  If Greek Soldiers or Intell personnel are captured, they will comply and allow themselves to be detained.  They are to keep quiet for a period of 1 year, and then are free to explain their role in the operation.  Until that time they shall only reveal their name and share their I.D. number with their English captors.  The Greek Consular Corps will work to secure your release. 

If field commanders feel that it is imperative for an English Citizen to be held during and after the operation, a ‘capture and release’ policy will be instated.  Detainees will be smuggled out of England in the care of a ‘doctor’.  Any harm inflicted upon English detainees will result in military court martial.

English citizens, police or civilians will be kept and released after the ending of the operation. 

English citizens will be kept in a secure location on the following isolated islands. 

  • Kasos island.
  • Lemnos Island.
  • Skinari Beach Ithaca.
  • Kythira Castle.

Tourists that have already book a stay on these islands will be reimbursed or given a rain check to stay at an alternate month and after the operation has concluded.  

Detainee accommodations will be as luxurious as possible (room, wine, food and views), just without internet, satellite, or telephone communications.  The prisoners will be told they have “won” an all-expense paid vacation, courtesy of the Greek Government, whether “they like it or not.” . 

Due to the necessity of the mission’s intent in keeping the operation TOP SECRET, English Detainees will be released 10 days after the conclusion of the operation and the delivery of the Greek communiqué revealing the operation to the English Embassy in Athens. 

All English Detainees will be given a RETURN TO GREECE coupon, and be encouraged to visit again as soon as possible.  The coupon will provide the bearer a three week stay at any Athens Hotel free of charge. 


Recommended: December 25




51°11′28″N 1°44′03″W

Stonehenge, prehistoric stone circle monument, cemetery, and archaeological site located on Salisbury Plan, about 8 miles (13 km) north of Salisbury and Wiltshire.  

Salisbury Plain, one of Great Britain’s best-known open spaces, consisting of a plateau like area covering about 300 square miles (775 square km), in the county of Wiltshire, England.



South of Stonehenge – primary route from London to South West England.  Traffic flow is between Amesbury and Winterbourne Stoke. 

Note* Stonehenge can be seen from the highway when traveling both directions.


North of Stonehenge – with pedestrian tunnel passes underneath the road. 

Note* The road is no longer open to vehicular traffic.


0500 hrs.


NIS will be tasked to predict snowfall.  This will be advantageous to hiding our movements and the burial of the stones.  Snow is needed and will be considered a mission multiplier.  Though we cannot control the weather, a snowfall will hide our actions for possibly weeks. 


  1. Venture Ltd.

This local security service which has been awarded the contract for 2022.  The 24/7 watch is conducted by a watch team of 12 personnel.  There are three officers on duty at all time; two at the Stonehenge site and 1 at the visitor’s center.  They are unarmed, but have communications with the local constabulary.  Currently, the contracting firm is looking for employees.  Ten NIS agents will apply for positions with the firm.  They will be provided stellar CVs for this type of work.  All agents will happily volunteer to work on Easter, Christmas, and the New Year.  NIS will take over the security monitoring equipment and will secure the footage to reflect no trespassing on MISSION DAY.  NIS agents will disappear upon completion of the operation.  Escape routes will be established in the OPORDER.      

  1.  DRUIDs

This group is a neo-pagan religious group that has taken an interest and pseudo ownership of this World Historical Site.  Though they are controlled and restricted by security measures like any member of the public, they seem to think they have special access to the site.  For some reason, Druid members feel an unexplainable draw (akin to ownership) to this location.  This makes them dangerous to the operation. 

A resurgence of interest in pagan ritual has drawn members to this cult.  Whether the attraction is fun or religious zeal, the druids take their religion seriously.  Druids can be found robed, performing rituals, and dancing about in areas that they consider sacred – such as rock circles.  Greek personnel are warned to approach Druid adherents cautiously.   They could possibly be compared to our own Hellenismos – followers of the early Greek Pantheon of Gods.  NIS psychologists have provided training manuals titled:   The Care and Feeding of Druids during Operation Cold Tea.  It will be required reading to all intelligence and military personnel taking part in the operation.   

There is an opinion that Druid sightings will be at its lowest ebb on December 25.  On December 22 is the solstice celebration conducted at sunrise on the Stonehenge site.  NIS recon has proven in years past all Druid activity seems to disperse on the 23, 24, and 25 of December.  NIS will have observation posts stationed in the Stonehenge area for Druid sightings and will break into operational communications net if a sighting takes place.   

  1. British Police.

If any British Patrol car visit Stonehenge site on Christmas Day, the Pericles Deconstruction Workers will not engage.   Counterfeit National Trust (NT) papers will be immediately offered by supervisors.  Pericles will be the spokesperson for the work site.  On December 25th   it will be nearly impossible for the police to get any information telephonically, email or otherwise on whether our activities are legal.  It will take at least 48 hours to confirm.  If police, military, or civilians are present during the burying of the stones in the alternate location, all activities will cease until law enforcement withdraws.  Pericles will use the articulated dump trucks to hide our activities.  The area will be flooded with smoke by the M58s.  Pericles personnel are advised when watched: “Look like you know what you are doing.”  

  1. British Army

Brigade sized Bulford CAMP is a 6 minute drive from Stonehenge, and has Military Police and Mechanized Infantry stationed at this location.  NIS predicts that the base on 25 December will be at low ebb, with the majority of personnel on leave or enjoying the Christmas Holidays in Family Housing.  Vehicle usage of roads are at a minimum, and air traffic almost nonexistent.   The base literally shuts down except for the annual Christmas dinner for those left on base.    NIS and through the Greek National Tourism Office, (GNTO), a cultural exchange will be granted to the Bulford Camp.  Joanna Drigo, a well- known singer, will provide a free concert to the camp.  The Greek Embassy will emphasize attendance and stress Ms. Drigo’s personal admiration for British and KIWI soldiers.  Free Greek wine and cuisine will be offered to all military personnel that attend.  

  1. Locals

The possibility of English Citizens disturbing the deconstruction site is small.  A random hiker, health enthusiast or Druid inherent to be out on Christmas Day is nil.  Our largest concern is someone out walking their dog.  English citizens will not be looking out their window, for there is no one that lives that close to the Stonehenge site.  If anyone is in the area, they will see the camouflaged mist, and suppose to themselves that it is a heavy fog.  If anyone is close enough to see the stones are missing, or are curious by the amount of equipment, they will have to assume that the activity was planned.  What else can they do?  .  Any police report by the public will be met with skepticism.  “What do you mean Stonehenge has been stolen?”  The police will not believe a 1600 Ton theft.  At most the general public will believe that the stones were removed either for cleaning or for study.  No Englishman will think that anything is wrong.  The Pericles Deconstruction Crew must act and maintain, a continuous demeanor of calm.    


Six articulated dump trucks, with the ability to haul 200 tons each will be strategically placed in the Stonehenge area.  These vehicles will be prepositioned near the Stonehenge Cottage B&B.  The owner will be approached by an NIS agent, who must reek of the National Trust.  The supposed agent will be no more than 18 years of age, and speak with an Oxford accent.  She will be armed with papers for the use of the land, and overpay for the space.  She shall let slip that the heavy machinery will be used for construction and the uncovering of a new archeological site.  She shall share a rumor that tourism is expected to increase.  The NIS Agent’s code name will be Hermione Granger.


Three bulldozers, 1 front loader, and two cranes will leave a secret designated holding area and head for Stonehenge.  The convoy will be accompanied by 3 police cars, manned by members of the National Intelligence Service Εθνική Υπηρεσία Πληροφοριών (NIS).

The construction equipment will be manned by an unnamed construction firm out of London.  The company is owned by a 2nd generation Anglo/Greek who has volunteered himself and family to carry out the deconstruction of the Stonehenge site.  Code name Pericles.  This man has paid, through his own pocket, for a work crew.  Their services have been secured by a promise from our National Tourism Offices of Greece (GNTO) with free vacations for participants and their families.  The work crew are 30 laborers from all over London with family connections to 6 Greek cities and assorted islands throughout the Hellenic Republic.   The Regional General Secretary will grant Greek Citizenship to these “Hellenic Volunteers” at a stroke of a pen if legal actions are pursued against them by the British Government.  The construction firm will have counterfeit papers provided by the NIS giving them access to the property by the National Trust (NT). If the construction crew is detained, Greek Security Services calculate it would take two weeks to verify the documents authenticity. 


English speaking volunteers from the Stratonomia (Στρατονομία), the Greek Military Police will be stationed at key points along the main routes.  At 0730 hrs. NIS counterfeit British Police will shut down the A303, A304, and side roads.  Members of the Military Police (those who can recreate west county accents will assume speaking roles with the public).


Volunteers from the 7th Infantry Regiment (7 Σύνταγμα Πεζικού) will use M58 Wolf Smoke Generator Systems recently purchased from American Foreign Military Sales (FMS). Mission:  The mechanized vehicles will spread a white smoke across the Stonehenge area so that the stones cannot be seen from the A303.  The smog will be mistaken for morning midst. The vehicles will be abandoned after use. 


Note* When the equipment is captured by British Police, the American Equipment will be brought to the attention of the U.S. Embassy in London.  They will have to explain the equipment’s presence.  This will provide us much needed cover.  The Ambassador will have to answer why their equipment was found at a major theft. 

The Stonehenge Visitor Center is northeast to the operation.  It is closed Christmas Day.  NIS electronic personnel will scan the site for cameras or anti-theft devices.   Security Guards will be NIS Agents under deep cover.

 The Pericles deconstruction crew will deconstruct the Stonehenge site under cover of the smoke generators.  Reconnaissance by the Crew Boss indicates 5 hours to complete the operation.   One Military Police car will be kept by the stones in case of unwanted curiosity by the public.

Pericles personnel will take down the standing stones and bury them 200 feet north of the original site.  To protect the irreplaceable stones, an archeologist (Codename: Mother) will oversee the handling and burial of the stones in order to protect them from the elements and possible accident.   In case Mother is detained by local authorities she (?) has been given a spíti (house) on the island of Ithaka [sic].    

It is estimated that the entire Pericles deconstruction will take 5 hours.  The original location of Stonehenge will be left in a state of disarray.  Truck, footprints and equipment will be left to be found by the authorities.  The burial site of the stones (200 feet due north) will be made to look untouched.  The land will be covered with peat and high grass.  Signs will be placed strategical with NT warning signs indicating that this area is a wilding project under the care of the British Environmental Agency out of Bristol.   The sign shall read the following:  “Wilding Project by Environment Agency.  Disturbance of this property will be prosecuting to the full extent of the law.”

Upon order from the NIS field commander the Pericles Deconstruction Crew and all Greek Army units will disperse. 

Upon order from the NIS field commander, the articulated dump trucks will be sent to SOUTHHAMPTON at 2 miles per hour.  To reach the port should take 4 hours on the A36.  EST of arrival should be 1800 hours.  The convoy will have NIS police escort.  Though the trucks are running with no load, the appearance of a heavy tonnage must be maintained. 

The articulated dump trucks may look like they are carrying a heavy load, but UK road infrastructure scales will not pick up the discrepancy.  NIS predicts that the convoy will make it to the SOUTHHAMPTON port without incident.

The convoy will use the A36 and the M27.  Counterfeit police escorts will use sirens and blinking lights to gather attention to the departing vehicles that could easily carry the stolen stones from the Stonehenge site.  The speed shall be according to the regulations in carrying 1600 tons.  

Waiting at the SOUTHHAMPTON dock is the Greek Cargo Ship DYNAMOS.  It will accept the articulated dump trucks that according to paperwork had been purchased by Qatar.  Border Control Inspections will reveal nothing but the EMPTY heavy moving equipment.  Upon boarding and securing its cargo DYNAMOS will head for sea.  The Captain of the Vessel Captain Alevizos Batkirziz will be instructed to appear nervous, and his crew to be overly anxious to leave. 

English authorities will wonder how 1600 tons were not picked up by the port authorities.  They will suppose that the SOUTHHAMPTON route was how the stones were taken out of the country.  Weight scales and port inspectors will be contrary evidence, but in the light the stones are not visible, this will cause a major headache for law enforcement. 


If the English do not discover the whereabouts of buried Stonehenge, at 0500 on top of the Acropolis, replicas of Stonehenge will be erected and revealed to the General Public.  Greek national newspapers will be invited to an unveiling. 

  • Action 24 – Athens.
  • Epsilon TV – Peristeri.
  • Alert TV – Tavros.
  • ART – Kallithea.
  • Attica TV / SBC – Aspropyrgos and Irakleio.
  • Blue Sky – Irakleio.
  • Channel 9 – Athens.
  • Extra Channel – Peristeri.

The replicas have been produced by Vlassis Khanosis, paid by the Government to produce a near perfect replica of each of the stones.  Mr. Khanosis’s work was recently presented at the Alexandros Soutzos Museum.  Mr. Khanosis conducted the work under NIS secrecy and was paid for his time and effort.  He conducted the work as a patriotic gesture to Greek Heritage.  He has signed a non-disclosure agreement which is good for 10 years.  His work is considered almost perfect, using sketches, archeological academic measurements, and industrial level 3-D printers held in a secure location on Salamis Naval Base 37°58′10″N 23°31′40″E


On Mission Day + 2 Weeks (release date is subject to change by the Ministry of Defence [sic])    His Excellency Dimitris Caramitsos-Tziras will visit the British Ambassador Matthew Lodge and deliver the following Communique.


Communique on the Return of the Parthenon Marbles to the Nation of Greece,  On the peaceful excursion of Greek Forces into the United Kingdom to save the Stonehenge ‘Stones’ from the harsh English Weather. 

January 20, XXXX

The Hellenic Republic in recognizing that the British Weather is uncontrollable, and the national historic importance of the UNESCO site known as Stonehenge, a joint task force under the command of General (Name to be added later)  entered the sovereign nation of England and the county of Salibury, UK, to ‘liberate’  these irreplaceable stones of England’s prehistoric history. 

It should be noted this operation was conducted by the behest of English Citizens of Greek Heritage appalled by the mismanagement of your National Trust (NT).

No UK citizens were harmed.  If any UK citizen was detained by Greek Forces, they have been placed and treated with kindness at one of our major island resorts.  They will be released upon notification from your office.  That is if they wish to come home right away, since their detention is an all expense trip to one of our incredible tourist seaside resorts.

Stonehenge now stands just 100 feet from our Parthenon.  Satellite photos have been provided with this communique.  The public has been invited to visit the Stonehenge site.  English tourists will be given discounts at major hotels to enhance their visit to Greece.   Aegean Airlines has been ordered to give 1st class accommodations to UK citizens. 

It is our hope that we can build a stronger relationship with our UK partner.   Stealing Stonehenge is our way of thanking the British People for keeping an eye on our national heritage (Parthenon Marbles) for these many years.  We shall endeavor to give the same care to ‘COLD TEA’ stones as your British Museum cared for OUR ‘Elgin’ Marbles.

-end of attachment-


It is said, “People believe what their eyes tell them.”

Stonehenge on top of the Acropolis will attract major attention throughout the world.  NIS predicts it should take the British 58 hours to locate the real stones.  What we have accomplished is that we have put doubt into the British psyche.  The British will find the stones – no question.  In the age of Ground Penetrating Radar (GPR) it is inevitable.  There will be a day when a headline will shout:  “WE HAVE FOUND THE STONES!”  The British tabloids will trumpet, but Greece will continue to show off our newest attraction on top of the Acropolis.  Doubt is our greatest weapon.  Our social media outlets will continue to show off Stonehenge, whether the REAL Stonehenge remains hidden or not, people will question how 1600 tons could have been moved and passed through a British Port without detection.  Conspiracy theorists, of which we will contribute to the discussion, will keep this ‘doubt’ going for years.    

There is a strong possibility that this might cause issues with trade deals between Greece and the UK, however with Britain’s painful extraction from the EU, England cannot afford to anger very many more trading partners in the world.

More than likely any protest will be officially lodged with the European Union (EU).  If this is so, it will take years for this to be settled.  However, in the meantime, the world will be looking at Greece with new eyes.    

Note*  Now what if the stones are found right away?  The Greek Government should shall continue to claim ownership of Stonehenge.  Continuing this ruse will be the most effective method of retribution on the National Trust.  

Does Operation Cold Tea get the Parthenon Marble back?  Not in the short term.  However, it will throw doubt on the validity of the Elgin Marbles currently in the British Museum, and the international game of holding national antiquities hostage.  This is not the same world as when Lord Elgin was able to pay off a government official to take whatever he fancied.  Fine, the British held on to our ‘history’ while our nation was in turmoil.  However, now it is time to hand them back.   

Stealing Stonehenge will be the ‘morality play’ to make the British come to their senses.  

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